Curriculum vitae, current as of this morning. Prior versions have been recalled. Hover a redacted line if you have clearance.

Michael Joseph, Esq.

1 Squiggle Plaza, Suite ½ · Imaginationville, State of Make-Believe 00000
1-800-NOT-GUILTY · [email protected] · Also reachable at the marina

Professional Summary

Trial attorney and sitting municipal chief executive with fourteen years of experience in litigation, land use, procurement, and the space between them. Proven record of favorable outcomes for clients, for the City, and for counsel, frequently in the same matter. Skilled in negotiation, cross-examination, and the lawful non-production of documents. Currently seeking nothing, as I already hold every position I would apply for.

Experience

Mayor — City of Imaginationville 2023 – Present

Elected with 104% of votes cast; certified by an elections board appointed after certification.
Balanced a $9M deficit in six weeks by locating a second budget of unknown origin.
Reduced City Council from nine members to one for efficiency; retained the seat.
Delivered the city's first new bridge in thirty years, terminating at a private residence.
Did not resign from private legal practice, citing “no rule I could find in the shortened code.”

Founding & Only Partner — The Law Offices of Michael Joseph, Esq. 2012 – Present

Built a general practice serving over 900 clients, eleven of whom hold City contracts.
Obtained 214 favorable outcomes, including a $18.4M settlement against a client (the City).
Served as counsel to both parties in a contested divorce; both parties prevailed.
Maintained a client trust account described by an auditor as “conceptually a trust account.”

City Attorney (Acting, Uncontested) — City of Imaginationville 2021 – 2023

Advised the City on procurement matters involving vendors also represented by this office.
Drafted the standard municipal contract, including the arbitration clause naming himself arbitrator.
Introduced Ledger B as a routine administrative improvement. Ledger B tracked disbursements not appearing in Ledger A.

Associate Attorney — Grubbs, Grubbs & Wattle LLP 2011 – 2012

Handled intake, discovery, and one deposition, which is now used as a training example.
Departed by mutual agreement following a disagreement about the firm's postage meter.

Assistant Manager — Squiggle Plaza Bait & Tackle 2006 – 2011

Managed inventory, cash handling, and customer disputes; first exposure to advocacy.
Later purchased the building, rezoned it, and evicted the shop.

Education

Juris Doctor — Imaginationville Correspondence College of Law 2010

Accredited by the Imaginationville Correspondence College of Law Accreditation Board.
Class rank: 1 of 1. Moot court champion, uncontested. Law review founder, sole contributor.
Thesis: “Conflicts of Interest: A Scheduling Problem.”

B.A., Communications (Incomplete) — Imaginationville Community College 2004 – 2006

Bar Admissions & Licensure

Jurisdiction	Admitted	Status
State of Make-Believe	2011 (4th attempt)	Provisionally reinstated — 3rd reinstatement
City of Imaginationville Municipal Court	2012	Active; also the client
Notary Public	2013	Active; seal reported missing 2024
Licensed Boat Captain	2020	Active and, per counsel, relevant

Suspensions in 2014, 2017, and 2019 were each resolved favorably and each characterized by the firm as a “sabbatical.”

Honors & Awards

Attorney of the Year, Michael Joseph Foundation for Legal Excellence (2019–2026, consecutive)
Key to the City of Imaginationville (issued by the Mayor to the Mayor, 2023)
“Top 1 Attorney in Imaginationville,” per a survey commissioned by this office
Certificate of Appreciation, Imaginationville Parade Committee (also the Mayor)
Formally noticed by the House Select Subcommittee on Municipal Irregularities (2026)

Skills

Trial advocacy · Cross-examination · Objecting on unspecified grounds and being sustained
Municipal finance · Bond structuring · Locating additional budgets
Entity formation, dissolution, and re-formation under a similar name
Records management, including the selective non-retention of Ledger B
Testimony: extensive experience declining to provide it
Boating (recreational, evasive)

Pending Matters

Disclosed Voluntarily, After Inquiry

House Select Subcommittee on Municipal Irregularities — Contempt Referral (2026). Subpoenaed to produce municipal disbursement records and to testify. Appeared, was sworn, and spoke for two hours about a boat. Referred for contempt by a vote of 14–1, the single dissenting vote cast by a member who later stated they had pressed the wrong button.

Also pending: one state comptroller audit, two ethics complaints, and a documentary the subject has the contractual right to approve.

References

Available upon subpoena.

This résumé is fiction. Michael Joseph, Esq. is a cartoon character and has never been admitted to any bar, real or imagined.